Christ's Love

Be strong ...

2006-03-20T14:42:00.000+08:00

Dear Lord,

Please help me to be strong to move on each day at a time.
At a time like this, please lead me to the right path.
Please help me not to be tempted.
Please calm me down.
…Let me see the truth.

… thank you Lord.

Guiltiness

2006-02-28T10:50:00.000+08:00

I’ve not been doing anything for such a long time for my spiritual growth.
And I know that I’m a very ignorant person when it comes to my religion.
I’m so useless when I don’t have enough to share with my other Christian / Non-Christian friends.
And yet I’m excited enough to invite them to my church.
I just feel really inadequate in this when I don’t know things on certain issues.
I feel like a failure. I feel guilty.
I need to do something for You, Lord.
Dear Lord, please remove all the excuses I have to be away from you. I’m so lazy spiritually, I need your help.

Everybody makes mistakes

2006-01-21T22:55:00.000+08:00

Dear dad,

It really would take alot of courage, patience and understanding to deal with you at times. I don't know how but sometimes it is against my conscience and my religion (dad's not a Christian) to do things as you told me to.

I know you take pride that you've so far been able to provide for the family despite the harsh circustances where you come from, but that doesn't mean that you being the breadwinner, and the father of the family, is RIGHT on all things.

Your famous quote 'in this family, I'm the father, therefore what I've said and demand you to do, you must obey, and I'M ALWAYS right.'

There certainly is a generation gap, in which I find it enormously difficult to close the gap, dad. I'd like to imagine that sometimes you'd take away your pride, and you'd recognise that your children and including yourself would make mistakes
disregard what age we are.

No doubt we would benefit from your life experiences, but you cannot prevent us from making mistakes and learning from them. The fact that you'd want to have a say on every single thing in our lives, and saying that we're stupid for not
listening to your advice are very demotivating.

I just hope that you'd realise that people around you have their individual emotions and conscience, and money maybe really important to you, but it may not be true for other people. Sometimes, it's love, patience,understanding which really matter.

STOP!

2005-12-05T12:13:00.000+08:00

Slowing down is necessary nowadays.

Notice that everybody including myself tends to lose patience when everything has to be rushed, rushed and rushed.

Dear mom and dad,
I don’t know why I was throwing tantrum like that yesterday.
I just couldn’t control myself when some people can invite mom to a certain seminar but it turned out to be a lie, it’s just some stupid performance by your friend’s friends. I just couldn’t believe that they lied because they’re afraid too few people turn up.
It may be my mood swing, but I confess that I shouldn’t complaining too much so that you’ll feel bad afterwards, and dad too, I shouldn’t make you angry so that I will feel much better.

Oh man, I need to slow down…

I'm allergic to ...

2005-11-09T10:47:00.000+08:00

Hmm… I’ve been meaning to blog about this, but I’ve not been comfortable to do so for some reasons.

I’m ALLERGIC to certain type of people. I’m not here to degrade that particular person, X, and it has nothing to do with which church I belong to, but it’s personal.

To X,

Although I should have told you off many months back, but I didn’t because I don’t want to create embarrassment to you and uneasiness to myself. You seemed not to be able to understand when I’ve implied that I’m not interested [let’s just assume that it’s your romantic intention, read on because then X, you’ll understand].

I didn’t like to be tailed and I didn’t like to be stalked. I didn’t like to be harassed by means of your presence, or any other type of communication devices. I didn’t like to be given extra attention to, and be presented with surprise gifts. I wanted my freedom back.

I didn’t know of any other preferential treatment I’d given to you, and I’m sure I treated you like anybody else, platonic that is. I may be a likeable person to you, but that doesn’t mean I like you in a special way. Generally I’m friendly and approachable, but regretfully you took that as something more than a brotherhood / sisterhood.

To my concerned friends,

I don’t expect you to understand what I’ve had been through, which might have been easily solved by honest confrontation. I’ve not been able to do that, and please forgive me if I’ve disappointed you that I haven’t been able to forgive and forget. I’ve been avoiding X as much as I could, I’m sorry if this may sometimes created inconveniences for you, but it is necessary for my sanity while I try to take things easy. I really hope it would not take long for me to get over this, 6 months? 1 year? More than 2 years? I don’t know, I need to be myself again.

Thank you, Lord.

2005-10-12T14:48:00.000+08:00

Dear Lord,

These past weeks have been tough physically and emotionally for me for various reasons. I apologize that I’ve been struggling and keeping you in distance all these while. I’ve gotta admit that I’m so immune to You for many moons now.

Today there are some good news for me in which I felt an urge to praise you Lord, for you have not been forgetting me after all, even though I’ve been keeping it to myself most of the time.

Dear Lord,

It seems that I’ve been a very lazy Christian in walking the path with You. I pray that I’ll become better and better each day.

Thank you, in the name of Jesus, amen.

I NEED A BREAK!!!

2005-10-11T14:14:00.000+08:00

I’m burnt out. I need a break! Boss!

J! Please come back soon!

2005-09-27T17:44:00.000+08:00

Oh no! I’ve just found out today that:

1) My sub-Life Group is in charge of bible study tomorrow
2) My invisible sub-LG leader, J, is not around tomorrow
3) There’re only two person doing the preparation for LG tomorrow, and I haven’t been

diligently preparing myself for WORD [R is doing it] etc. And I’ve gotta do ice-breaking

and worship session. Hopefully some Samaritan will lead prayer for us…

And I’ve called MF- 3 times today, R – 2 times today, and CH – 1 time today, coz’ I’m a bit panicky when it comes to coming up with quality ice-breaking and worship session.

My objectives are:
1) Not letting my LG become another boring bible study session
2) Hopefully our members can have a joyous heart before the bible study begins.

I think I’m so ambitious that I’ve begun to stress myself out.
Sigh… J!!!! Please come back! SOON!!!

Queue Bully

2005-09-19T09:47:00.000+08:00

Today is my first day taking public transport to work after my car was rammed by a neighbour on last Saturday. So there I was waited for about 15-20 minutes for a bus before it came. I turned around and found one middle-aged lady cutting the queue. I confronted her, and she raised her voice saying that she have been standing there all the while, and accused me of cutting the queue. In my broken Malay, I asked her if she wanted me to find a witness. She was a bit shocked as she probably didn’t expect me to argue with her and I marched forward to reclaim my place. Guess what? She couldn’t defend herself and called me ‘siao’ (this non-Chinese lady truly shows ‘Malaysia Boleh’ as she sure knows how to call me CRAZY in a Chinese dialect).

This incident really taught me something:
1) I should brush up my Malay just in case it comes in handy.
2) I maintained my cool when confronting the lady. For this I gotta thank James coz’ he had prayed for me to be cool when handling sucking situations like this. I also gotta thank Daniel and Paul coz’ they have inspired me to stand up for myself when necessary.
3) To remind myself time and again that whether you are Chinese, Indian, Malay or ‘Lain-lain’, there will always be baaaaaaaad sheeps amongst them.

Get real!

2005-09-14T12:36:00.000+08:00

Get real!

I suspect that my reluctance to face realities some times gets me into hot soups. My ‘make love, not war’ philosophy, some times doesn’t do me any good in various relationships, including those from family, friends and worst of all, at work. It doesn’t help either I’m a super-duper sensitive gal. I’ll get REALLY EMOTIONAL when these people said mean things to me. I’m still learning to deal with realities at work, where people just shout at you when things are done differently, or badly handled based on their standards, or b’coz it’s my fault – lack of independence (strangely enough after my uni’ days, coz’ I’m bolder in the old days than I’m now).

I guess the way forward is to think rational at times like these, coz’ along the way I’ve found that it helped if I detach my EMOTIONS 100% from these sucking relationships. Then work results will be better, and my oh-so-fragile self can be excused from repeated mental torture. Phew, I feel much better now!!! Blogging certainly helps! :)

A foreigner in her home country

2005-06-30T09:36:00.000+08:00

Racial issues have been a sensitive topic lately with the suspension of Sothinathan by PM and some other education issues in Malaysia eg. Malaysian Government de-recognised the Medical Certificates from Crimean University, the lack of transparency on granting medical scholarships to the SPM high achievers etc. In the midst of these, I read an article by The Edge (I think it’s this week’s copy), on Kuala Kangsar Malay College (KKMC). The article compares the education systems generally in Malaysia and KKMC in particular between the current ones and the yester year’s. Ex-teachers and ex-KKMC boys were interviewed. They have generally implied that they have lost hope in the current education system. One issue that stands out was that the increasingly lack of exposure to the non-Malays in KKMC (apparently there used to be non-Malay teachers back then. I’d guess the teaching force now is Malay-dominated?) and thus lack of SOCIAL INTEGRATION with other races in this case.

This is sooo true to me when I think about it. This also applies to Chinese educated students like me! Having been sticking with Chinese Schools for my primary and secondary school, I’ve only got some SOCIAL INTEGRATION going on after I started work at my ex-all Malay company.

There was a little CULTURE SHOCK for me during my stay there. I gotta re-learn my spoken Malay, and having to adapt to the fact it has a strong nepotism culture (lack of meritocracy). I also had to adapt to the slower pace of working environment. I totally suffered initially because I ONLY HAVE SPOKEN MALAY during my Malay classes (can you imagine how text-book sounding it will be?); I was brought up practicing MERITOCRACY, not NEPOTISM? And to HABITUALLY procrastinate your work is out of your mind!

But hey, I’ve just grown to accept my Malay colleagues for who they are, and found that not all of them are like that. In fact some of them were fun to hang out with. For the good or bad, I just wished that the SOCIAL INTEGRATION happen earlier in my formative years rather in my working adulthood. I’ve been feeling like a foreigner in my own country for such a long time until then!

Prayer answered

2005-06-10T12:32:00.000+08:00

Today the 3 missing brothers and 1 cousin in the jungle of Fraser’s Hill were found on the 4th day search & rescue operation. I was totally relieved and thank god for answering my prayer when I first read about the news.

I admit I was a bit mad when I knew that no guide or adults were with them when the parents drop them off at the jungle trekking starting point. I mean, how could any parent not accompany their kids into the jungle? Then, I realized I should sympathise with the parents for what had happened, and pray that the over 100 person rescue team can locate them SOON.

Today, radio station 98.8 were discussing about the importance of acquiring surviving skills in the jungle. Yeah, we need these skills when we’re on our own in unfamiliar environment. I felt that I’ve missed out joining the girls scout, red crescent or maybe the cadet police team in school. I just hope that parents can encourage their kids to join these clubs and not to be overly fearful of letting them joining camps away from home.

Working on family ties...

2005-05-10T09:58:00.000+08:00

Our family relationship can be described as: distant, definitely not good at expressing ourselves, and lack of understanding.

Our parents have not been able to spend time with us when we’re growing up except the occasional lecturing and scolding. My brothers and I in the past and now have been keeping to ourselves when it comes to personal problems and annoyance with parents (whenever there’s argument).

I have strayed and done things that are regrettable in the past, and since I’ve become a Christian, I promised myself not to be foolish enough to cling into the past and to have hope in Christ alone.

Now and then, I find myself going back to my old self again when it comes to verbal battle with my parents. I must say this is one of the hardest. I’m known for my patience and obedience to my parents amongst my siblings, but unfortunately it would normally translate into an even bigger outburst if it has reached the limit.

I think our family really needs to stop pretending all is well when so little time is spent with each other. Dear Lord, I pray to you that you would lead us to reconcile our misunderstanding and bitterness. Bless us with the greatest patience, Lord. Thank you, in Jesus name, Amen.

Stay away from me!

2005-04-12T22:57:00.000+08:00

I dislike guys who show interests in me when the feelings is not mutual.

I especially hate it when they start asking personal things about myself, knowing from my experiences that they probably wanted to have more than platonic relationship.

It just irritate me so much that the moment I’m prepare to be friendly with people, some may think that I’m open to the concept of having romantic relationship. The fact is I don’t, I may be empathetic in nature and ready to share feelings and thoughts at times, but somehow, sometime have been perceived differently by guys. I really don’t get it. And now I’m becoming phobic of being friends to guys. All I want is platonic friendship, is it that hard? However, I do appreciate guy friends who value platonic friendship, and I hope very soon, I don’t have to filter people for their romantic intention.

P.S. I just don’t understand why these weirdo guys keep on coming my way, I just need some breathing space… today’s experience with a guy irritated me so much that I just couldn’t stop complaining and cursing him behind his back. As a Christian, I know that I shouldn’t be doing this, but I don’t know how to escape all these. Any advice?

No more languages for me!

2005-03-16T11:59:00.000+08:00

I’m a Malaysian, and of Chinese descendant.

You see, in terms of fluency, my first language is Cantonese (and Mandarin), second language is English and third language is, Malay (national language of Malaysia).

I admit as a Malaysian, my command of Malay sucks and whenever situation requires me to speak or write in the language, I fail miserably. It’s an irony that I only got to mix with my fellow Malay friends in my working adult life.

You see, as Chinese descendants, my parents decided that I should preserve our roots by giving me a Chinese education (Malay and English is compulsory on top of Chinese). And yes, 99.9% of the time you’ll speak Mandarin, except the 0.01% of the time you’ll speak your Malay and English in the respective classes.

Chinese primary school was OK but the Chinese secondary school (i.e. Chinese Independent High School) was hell.

Why? B’coz you basically got to learn your Maths, Biology, Physics, Chemistry etc. in two different languages (Malay and Chinese) in two separate class, of two different syllabus, conducted by two teachers and two exams (Yes, we got to sit for both the government exam and our Chinese Independent Schools’ exams).

I don’t know about my ex classmates, but for me, I almost went cuckoo after that.

The leap from a Chinese medium environment to an English one for my tertiary education was a matter of life and death, I remembered. Half of the time I was struggling on my English rather than on my Management courses.

Now that I need to deal with the civil servants which is in the Malay domain, I wonder how ‘exciting’ it will be?

What's more important ...

2005-03-01T17:49:00.000+08:00

A close friend invited me for her upcoming bridal shower and wedding. I am very happy for her that she’s getting married. Everything seemed to be great except one thing – I don’t wish to see her pastor and wife. She adores both of them and I’ve stopped going to her church. I did not feel like telling her why (she did asked once), ‘coz (1) I don’t want my subjective feelings towards her pastor hurting her; (2) I don’t want to be bias.

Whatever that both her pastor and wife have said and done to me (I don’t think it’s appropriate to elaborate here), I have already move on with my life AFTER some episodes in their church. It just annoys me that it’s of high chances I may be seated together with them and having to pretend that I get along well with them.

I ask myself what is more important here, having learnt a lesson from an unhappy experience or continue to fuss about the pastor and wife going to the same wedding that I do. After some struggle, I’ve decided to choose the first, because it will always serve as a reminder for me that young Christians (like me) should be careful when deciding which church to go to. It is not to promote any denomination (or no denomination), but it is important that wherever we go, it should help us to build correct fundamentals about Christianity, and not otherwise.

The power of love ...

2005-02-27T23:45:00.000+08:00

Mom and Dad have always been very protective of me even now that I’m in my 20’s. I didn’t like how things were coz’ we’d always have things to argue, and that’d have every say in my life and be sure that I’ll follow their wishes. One day I got tired of it, I snapped and ran away from home for 2 days. After that, I’ve decided that I’m not gonna talk to them unnecessarily, coz’ you just won’t know when the 3rd world war is coming.

But now looking back, I think things have changed for the better. Surprisingly, I dun have the urge to talk back to them that often. I find myself to be more patient and less fiery when being provoked (ok, I won’t bite but I’ll start yelling and crying to them!). And yes, mom and dad are becoming more gentle and considerate when they stick their tongues out (subconsciously I think they might have a replay of me running away from home every night after knocking out, hehe…).

More importantly, I do think God is there to guide me to escape the constant fights I had with my parents. I remembered in one of the Baptism class discussions (on the topic of 10 commandments), we were reminded that no matter how our parents have wronged us at times, we should still honour them and work on the relationship with them. I truthfully am touched by this b’coz for the first time I realized that I genuinely wanted the relationship to work. It also struck me that I think I can do it, not because I can, but it’s b’coz our heavenly Father loves us so unconditionally...

National Embarrassment

2005-02-25T13:57:00.000+08:00

Until today I still can’t understand why the officers at government agencies’ can be so unhelpful and unfriendly.

I’ve gone to the Royal Malaysian Customs (at Kelana Jaya) today to make an enquiry at one of its department called “Perjenisan”, suggested by a librarian from MATRADE since they don’t have the information that I wanted.

I told a junior officer, X, I wanted the product code for ‘software’, and agreed with her that it’s the product code used for import/export purpose. I’ve enquired also if there are any different product codes under different headings. She didn’t quite get it and repeated what I’m requesting from her senior, Y, who happened to be passing by. Y first asked which company I’m representing and I told her it’s a consulting firm. She immediately commented “Consulting firm ah? I lemah lah!” (I don’think this make sense if it is translated into English, I think it shows that she couldn’t care less), and she walked away!

I was really pissed and asked myself what does she mean? Did she ignore me because I’m from a consulting firm? Or was it because she did not have time for a consulting firm BUT have time for other types of firms? Or worse still was it because she’s plain lazy? I just cannot stand this! This is not the first time I’ve gone to a government agency and got treated like this. At least I should be informed whether she could help me or not, not ignoring me like this. Nevertheless X was there to answer me, but with no smile! Then again, I was wondering if I should forgive them because I was asking them in broken Malay (My Malays sucks! and my experiences have been the juniors normally can’t understand English). Is it a communication breakdown between us or plain laziness or their part?

'Confusing' God?

2005-02-25T04:28:00.000+08:00

I’ve accepted Christ for a few months now and for the initial few months things were confusing for me as a young Christian. I’m glad that now I’m blessed with the support of brothers and sisters, especially the pastor and his wife at BLC.

Thank you Lord that you have led me to them, and showed me that you’re not a confusing God (no thanx to the churches that I’ve previously gone to and hence the many misconception and unnecessary fear about God in my baby steps towards Christ), but the God who so loves us that You will show me the way.

Thank you Lord that You’ve freed me of the hatred and sour feelings towards those that I believed that had created false understanding of You. I’ve asked why people who were close to me (and claimed that they could assist me with my journey to know You better) turned out to be the cause of a series of misunderstanding about You, Lord? It was a painful, confusing, haywired, doubtful, roller coaster ride for me. But now Lord, I’m thankful that it has passed, and made me realize that we should critically assess people and teachings around us and not blindly follow things that they say.

Dear Lord, I pray to you that people who are currently going through similar experience that I had will be encouraged and be led to the right path towards You, in Jesus name, Amen.